Home Bittersweet Home

I’ve been home for almost two weeks, which means I’m getting ready to go back to Provo tomorrow.  This is my last night at home, and I’m feeling nostalgic.  Being at home has been such an emotional journey, and I’ve come to realize some things.  First of all, change is hard.  It’s just a fact; life is full of changes, and change is hard, which leads us to the conclusion, that life is hard also.  And everyone knows this of course, but sometimes it just hits harder at times than others.  When I first came home, I actually came home a day earlier than planned, and I didn’t tell my parents.  It was so good to see my family and to surprise them with my early arrival.  The next day I saw my friends at a get together, and it good to see them too, but I felt like things had changed.  It was a slight change, but it was still there.  Everyone was talking about how excited they were to go to college and I was totally there with them (college is great!) but it just felt strange.  Was everyone really going off to college in a matter of weeks? Would this really be it?   These friends that I had gone through high school with, who I had come so close to and shared so many wonderful memories with, would all soon be in different states.  And I knew this time would be coming.  I guess I just realized that it was time to move on, and that scared me. 

Anyway, so the next couple of days at home were really boring, because all of my friends were busy.  And in that time that I spent alone, I was just sad.  Sad because I missed my friends from BYU, and sad that the friends I had here would soon be gone.  And sad because the one person I wanted to see and talk to, wasn’t the same person anymore.  Or maybe I wasn’t the same person.  When I came home, I was suddenly surrounded by all these places and memories I had with this person, and I realized how much I missed him.  

So anyway, I went shopping, and had a sleepover with the girls, went on a fun blind date, and all was well. Deep down though, I couldn’t stop thinking about him. And finally, I got to see him.  That Saturday night, I invited everyone over for a movie night, just like old times.  Most all of my friends were there, including him.  And seeing him just made me want to run into his arms, and think that everything would be ok.  But I knew that wouldn’t happen.  Before he left, I gave him a hug, and for a moment it felt like old times, but it ended too soon. 

Tuesday night was the most epiphanous night for me (yes I just made that word up).  After talking to my best friend, I realized a lot of things, like that everything I was feeling was completely normal, and that it would get better.  But also I realized I needed closure.  For me, I just wanted to see him one last time before I left for college again.  So today, after spending the day saying good bye to all of my close girl friends, I saw him.  We swinged on a swing set and talked about college and classes and change and squeaking swings.  And after talking to him for a while, I knew that there weren’t any hard feelings between us, and that we could be friends.  I got the closure I needed, and now I feel like I can move on.  In fact, with everyone going off to college, that seems to be the motto for the day.  It’s time to move on.   I love all of my friends here, but I am ready to make new ones.  BYU, here I come!